While some people feel moments of loneliness or social anxiety from time to time, investigative reporter Christina Buttons felt that way most of her life.
She spent much of her time alone, struggling to make friends as a kid and retreating into solitude as an adult.
Then, one day, she stumbled upon the answer in the form of an autism diagnosis — or so she initially thought.
In a personal essay for The Free Press, Buttons explained that in 2019, she came across many stories of women discovering they were autistic later in life.
The then 30-year-old described how her own symptoms — a monotonous voice, lack of eye contact and a failure to respond to humor — might explain why she felt so misunderstood growing up.
“The social difficulties I experienced since childhood now looked like an innate communication deficit,” Buttons wrote in the essay.
The clearest sign was her sensory processing sensitivity, or strong reactions to lights and noise, that led to her diagnosis on the autism spectrum disorder (ASD).
ASD affects brain development and causes social communication and behavioral differences, with 1 in 31 children getting diagnosed at the age of 8, according to the CDC.
And 1 in every 45 Americans don’t learn they’re on the spectrum until adulthood, according to Autism Speaks, a national nonprofit for autism awareness.
After undergoing an evaluation and receiving a formal diagnosis from a psychiatrist, Buttons felt relief, saying it gave her a sense of purpose as she hoped to help other women get diagnosed earlier.
But soon, a career transition into journalism had her re-evaluating her diagnosis, as she constantly improved her communication skills by interviewing sources.
This caused her to realize her innate communication deficit and social discomfort weren’t autism — it was a lack of developed social skills.
“In retrospect, the answer was more ordinary than I wanted it to be,” she wrote for The Free Press. “I was a sensitive, introverted child who felt social mistakes intensely. Instead of responding to them by becoming more resilient, I chose to retreat into my interests, because they felt safer than people.”
She went on to explain that socializing is “a skill that develops through practice,” and she was inexperienced.
Buttons also referenced traits such as introversion, high sensory sensitivity and social camouflaging that she previously believed were indicative of the female autism framework she had come across in her initial research.
The framework noted that ASD has traditionally been defined by signs that showed up in men as overt behavioral, social and linguistic difficulties, while autistic girls turned inward and presented as quiet and anxious.
She realized the behaviors she noticed in herself were widely seen in non-autistic people, and most likely a result of traumatic events from her childhood.
Autism cases are on the rise, and the current diagnosis process relies on an assessment of communication, social interactions, play and behaviors interpreted by a clinician.
And while she didn’t ask for alternative explanations for her behaviors and experiences, Buttons said her autism diagnosis offered relief from perceived flaws and a better understanding of herself.
