We make all kinds of well-intentioned plans on how to be more successful in life — I’m going to eat better, lose weight, save money, be a better parent, stop drinking, talk to my dad about that thing that’s been bothering me for a decade — and then fail to see them through.
A lot of what’s blocking us has to do with how our brain regulates emotions. As a neuroscientist and psychologist, I’ve spent nearly 25 years studying how the most successful people, from CEOs to Navy SEALs, tackle hard things almost effortlessly.
One of the most effective tools, psychologists have found after 20 years of research, involves a simple tool called WOOP.
WOOP, there it is
The “mental contrasting” piece (WOO: wish, outcome, obstacle) helps energize people around their goals and specify the obstacles in the way. The “implementation intentions” piece (P: plan) fuses each obstacle (the “if”) to a specific action (the “then”) and makes the entire enterprise of regulating our feelings more effortless.
DON’T MISS: How to use AI to be more productive and successful at work
Here’s an example of how we would use WOOP:
- Wish: “I want to be more patient with my children when they irritate me.”
- Outcome: “I’m going to have a better relationship with them and be a better father.”
- Obstacle: “When they call each other stupid, I sometimes lose my temper — I grew up in an atmosphere where people put each other down, and I’m really reactive to that.”
- Plan: “If they are fighting, then I’m going to zoom out, remind myself that they’re kids, my wife and I acted similarly when we were young, their brains are still developing, and then get their attention without yelling.”
Using WOOP in a deep loss
Now I want to take you through how you might use WOOP in a more extraordinarily emotional context, because at some point or another in life, we all find ourselves in one of those.
A friend of a friend of mine lost someone close to him very suddenly: a younger brother died by suicide. In the months after, he was reeling, looping in and out of intense grief.
He was managing — going to work, going to therapy, processing. But he found that sometimes the sadness would well up in the worst ways. He noticed that it was affecting his time with his two young kids. They’d be at the playground playing monster-tag, and suddenly he’d get hit with the loss, and he’d have to walk away.
He didn’t want to run from his grief. He understood he needed to mourn his brother. But he didn’t want to miss his kids’ childhood while doing so.
How can we WOOP such a deep loss? Here’s what one version looks like:
- Wish: “To be able to hang out with my kids and enjoy my life, even during this era of intense grief.”
- Outcome: “When my kids are grown up, they’ll still look back on this time and remember a lot of joy.”
- Obstacle: “When the grief hits, I can’t see my way out of it. I completely lose perspective.”
- Plan: “If I’m with the kids and I start to feel it, then I’m going to stop and focus on the future. I’m going to take 10 seconds and imagine them as grown-ups, and me looking back on the whole sweep of my life. I’m going to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things this is just one short season.”
Now you try it
Over the past two decades, several studies have shown the power of WOOP and its long-term, lasting effects on people’s lives.
Using WOOP leads to better success for students with studying and grades, better working through of negative feelings, healthier eating and exercise behaviors, people with depression taking better care of themselves, and more thriving relationships, among others.
Try using WOOP for an emotional challenge you’re facing:
- W = Wish (Write a wish that is important to you — challenging but feasible.)
- O = Outcome (How will it feel when you accomplish this?)
- O = Obstacle (What is the personal obstacle?)
P = Plan (What’s the action you’re going to take when faced with this obstacle?)
So fill in: If _____ (obstacle) _____, then _____ (action) _____.
The goal is to be able to shift your emotions easily and effortlessly — almost habitually, the way you buckle your seat belt without even thinking about it when you get in the car.
If that sounds impossible, just remember we do many things that aren’t easy at first, but with enough planning and practice, they can become close to automatic.
Ethan Kross, PhD, is a psychologist, neuroscientist, and best-selling author. He is an award-winning professor in the University of Michigan’s top ranked Psychology Department. Ethan has participated in policy discussion at the White House, and spoken at TED and SXSW. His research has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The New Yorker, and The New England Journal of Medicine. His new book “Shift: Managing Your Emotions — So They Don’t Manage You” is out now.
Want to up your AI skills and be more productive? Take CNBC’s new online course How to Use AI to Be More Successful at Work. Expert instructors will teach you how to get started, practical uses, tips for effective prompt-writing, and mistakes to avoid. Sign up now and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $67 (+ taxes and fees) through February 11, 2025.
