I stopped watching Food Network years and years ago, when it stopped being about food and started only showing cooking competitions and programs featuring chefs with colossal egos.
But I was intrigued last week by the debut of a new show called “Next Baking Master: Paris.” Even though it was yet another cooking competition, it was set in Paris, one of the world capitals (with Vienna) of baking.
I was intrigued enough to watch. Here is what it seemed like to me:
Announcer: Welcome to “Next Baking Master: Paris.” You can tell that we’re in Paris, because here is the Eiffel Tower. And to emphasize the point, here are three more views of the Eiffel Tower, from various distances and angles.
We have brought 10 of America’s best professional bakers to the City of Light in a contest to see who can boost their social media presence the most.
People are also reading…
French chef host: Bonjour. I am French.
American chef host: Hello. I am not.
Contestant Abigail: I am so excited to be in Paris. It is one of the world capitals (with Vienna) of baking. It is where it all began. This is the pinnacle of all baking. Would you like to see my tattoos? They show that I’m bold and edgy.
Contestant Bernard: I am here because I am competitive. I am in it to win it. I, too, have tattoos.
Contestant Chloe: I think I’m really sweet, but everyone who knows me says I’m a raging witch and a stuck-up, vicious snake who enjoys cutting down everyone who isn’t me. Here is a tattoo of a witch and another tattoo of a snake.
Announcer: Does every single person on this show have tattoos?
Every single person (in unison): It’s how we express our individuality.
Contestant Dennis: I am a professional chef, and while I could talk about baking I’d rather talk about me.
Contestant Edwina: Me! Me! Me!
Contestant Fernando: Me! Me! Me!
Narcissus, from Greek mythology: These people have a problem.
Announcer: Every week we will have a petit challenge and a grand challenge, because “petit“ and “grand“ are two of the three French words I know.
Edwina: What is the third?
Announcer: “Parallélépipède.”
French chef host: Today’s petit challenge is to make a dessert in two hours that shows who you are as a person.
Contestant Gail: Me! Me! Me!
Contestant Harold: When I was a kid, I always wanted a carrot cake for my birthday and my parents never made me one. So for this challenge I’m going to make a carrot cake.
Gail: That’s actually kind of touching.
Chloe: Yeah, but honestly it’s just a carrot cake.
Contestant Ingrid: I’m going to make a hazelnut mousse with an apricot compote in a chocolate-almond tart shell topped with creme-patisserie-filled pistachio profiteroles laced with homemade raspberry jam and covered with a key-lime buttercream frosting and chocolate sprinkles.
Briony from Season 9 of “The Great British Baking Show”: You guys are supposed to be professionals. On our show we were all amateurs and even we knew that if you only have two hours you can’t make a dish that takes 2½ days.
Edwina: I’m going to make a napoleon version of a dirt and worms cake with gummi worms.
French chef judge: I’ve never heard of that, but it sounds disgusting.
Edwina: It doesn’t matter because I won’t have enough time for anything to set, so the gummi worms will be runny and the napoleon will fall apart.
Contestant Jon: Yeah, most of everything we do is going to fall apart in an impressive variety of unappetizing ways.
Briony from “The Great British Baking Show”: Seriously, you guys are professionals. Shouldn’t you be better at this?
French chef judge: Yeah. Shouldn’t you be better at this?
American chef host: For your grand challenge, we want you to make a dessert in three hours that uses cream in two different ways.
French chef judge: The most important thing that you should know about me is that I hate bananas.
Everyone except Abigail: We’re going to make desserts with bananas in them!
Abigail: Not me. I’m going to make a panna cotta with heavy cream and way too much gelatin.
American chef host: That’s a really bad idea. It will become rubbery.
French chef judge: That’s a really bad idea. It will become rubbery.
Charles Goodyear: Hey, it works for me.
Announcer: After three hours of baking, most of the contestants realized the dishes they tried to make require a minimum of 8 hours to set correctly and hold their shape.
French chef host: The winner is the chef whose dessert held together the best and who used the least amount of bananas.
Harold: Thank you. I have tattoos.
American chef host: Unfortunately, that means one of you is going to have to go home. And I think we all pretty much agree it has to be Rubber Panna Cotta Girl.
Abigail: I should have used more gelatin.
Announcer: Parallélépipède!
Baked fries that may even be better than fried ones – Prep School with food writer Dan Neman of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.
